Why Do You Tell the Truth?

I LOVE this quote!

“Instead of asking why your partner lies, ask yourself why you tell the truth?…. Here’s what’s apt to happen as soon as you shift the focus by asking altogether different questions.

* You begin to understand how important honesty is to you and why it is one of your fundamental values.

*You begin to understand what happen when trust is broken and why character in a partner is essential if a relationship is to have substance.

*You begin to understand what it means to have a value conflict, and you begin to understand that a relationship that lacks mutually shared values is a relationship destined for failure.

*You begin to understand how different you and your partner really are and why the relationship has no future.

Asking yourself why you tell the truth will likely allow you to see – maybe for the first time – the full measure of your partner’s lack of integrity. More important, perhaps, it might allow you once again to understand who you really are – despite any efforts your partner may have made to redefine you and your world.”

This is by Dr. Sally Caldwell and it’s from a book, Romantic Deception. It’s not about sex addiction and it’s a book a friend purchased for her work and which I borrowed because, even after almost two years, I was curious if I’d read it and see “the signs” I failed to see while married because I do want to understand what was not obvious to me besides knowing I did not honor my gut instincts. I also wonder, what might I have seen if I was looking harder or knew to be looking or was paying attention to different things. In some ways, this examination is healthy and in other ways it’s still me blaming myself for being deceived and feeling I should have prevented it. The book isn’t amazing. It’s interesting. There’s a concept called the “truth bias” in which most of us in this culture assume someone is telling us the truth. We don’t usually get a detective when we meet someone and usually do take people at their world. Also, the controlling nature many romantic deceivers exhibit weren’t present in my ex.

Anyhow, that question about asking yourself why you tell the truth is a great one. What do I value? What do I treasure? Why do dishonesty and deceit make me uncomfortable? These are good questions. Also, this book reminds me that I FEEL SHAME for having been outsmarted, duped, betrayed and “played” by someone I trusted. Not only do I feel shame that I shared a bed, via my ex, with prostitutes but that the intimacy I had assumed so private was so “out there” in the world.

Now, today, what I can do is choose to be honest and to surround myself with people I admire and trust. When I feel uncomfortable I not only notice but take action. My discomfort, anxiety and any feelings of disconnection are huge red flags. So, I’m exploring dance and listening to poetry while moving. I’m finding ways, alone and with others, to center myself. I’m trusting my gut even if I am not understood and it feels WONDERFUL!

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