Dream and Ending

I had a dream I was telling my ex about how hurt I was by my ex. In the dream, he was two different people. One was my best friend and I could tell him anything. The other was this confusing person who I said, “I just can’t be with” because… and in many ways, he will always be this man I loved and this man I came not to trust.

What has changed is I can hold those two contradictory things in my head and heart. I feel affinity towards at him times and a gut-level confusion about him and his addiction. I do not regret the love I gave or the family we started. I sometimes even have the urge to share a dream like the one I had. Instead, we share conversations about our child. We even share book titles or talk about movies. We can have conversation that isn’t fake or forced. When my home flooded, the home that was ours I did not have to beg him for help or even ask. He gave help. He provided me with help. I appreciated it. There has been growth on my part and on his.

But I do not trust him and I don’t want to share my daily life and most intimate self with him. I don’t feel passionate hate and I can believe his addiction wasn’t about me while knowing to the bone how very deeply it hurt me. So, on that note, I end my blog. I have less and less to say here. I don’t know how anonymous I wish to remain. What I will share or not share in writing will continue to evolve. 

What a wonderful community of people I have met in this blogosphere. There are some wise and creative spirits and I am blessed to have read words and to have been heard and “seen” in cyber space.  Be well on your journey wherever you are and thanks for witnessing mine.

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